Big Al's New Life Center
Are you tired of your life? Looking for something a bit more .....?
Welcome to Big Al’s New Life Center where we offer a wide variety of pre-owned lives at ridiculously low prices.
Are you tired of your life? Looking for something new? Something more exciting? Or maybe a little less complicated? You’ll always find a great deal at Big Al’s. We have hundreds of trade-ins in stock RIGHT NOW, and all are in excellent, lightly-used condition. Exchange your life for the life of your dreams. These lives are non-gendered, so be bold!
#1 Lumberjack. Morton,WA. Includes: all gear and appropriate attire (buffalo-check shirts, suspenders, Wolverines), a rustic cabin, and a large dog. Optional: Life partner also available with this listing (to be negotiated).
#2 Pole dancer. New Orleans, LA. Includes: a minimal wardrobe, health benefits, a refurbished shotgun house in the South Seventh ward, and a year’s supply of pepper spray. Optional: very friendly housemate who will cook your étouffée and your gumbo par excellence . It’s the Big Easy, cher ! Reserve this one now!
#3 Hippie cat-whisperer. ( unhoused ) Santa Cruz, CA. Includes: meals, showers and bed generously provided free by the city; a shabby acoustic guitar, vintage 1969 love beads and a freak flag.⭐️50% off TODAY ONLY⭐️
#4 Waitperson/Server. Loxahoochee, FL . Includes: a small fixer-upper Winnebago in a highly desirable trailer park. Solid, steady employment in local fish restaurant, newly replaced pink plastic flamingoes in the front yard, a 1984 Chevy currently up on blocks. Optional: Two rescued tri-pedal chihuahuas. Get this deal while it’s hot!
#5 Movie producer. Pasadena, CA. Includes: Lucrative income; exciting, creative prospects. No impending indictments. Hurry! This listing won’t last long!
#6 Freelance fiction writer. Includes: brand new MacBook that will not need upgrading (for at least a year) and a case of scotch. Work from home in your pajamas on Substack. No guarantee of fame or financial gain, but the other writers you meet will amaze you! A honey of a deal!
#7 Driver. Detroit, MI. Includes: Eastside motel room, a Smith and Wesson (M&P9) and bullet proof vest. Currently on contract with the Lopez brothers. Optional: Life insurance policy. Exclusive to Big Al’s - you won’t find this offer anywhere else.
#8 School Teacher, Retired. Beach Haven, NJ. Includes: efficiency condo, Laz-E-Boy, fuzzy slippers, tabby cat and small pension. Optional: full set of Jan Karon’s Mitford books (the only books you will ever need) and 35 classic VCR tapes with player.
Hundreds more lives are available for your consideration. These deals are flying out of here like lawn chairs in a hurricane! So come on down and browse.
I apologize…. I don’t know where these silly ideas come from, but it is entirely possible that I have been reading too much of what Mark Starlin Writes! (Thank you
for the implied permission to just go for it.)
8 is the best deal!! No wait... I need the case of scotch, trade fuzzy slippers.
Here’s one in 50 words:
Hello, is this the party selling an atv with a wench included?
Sure.
May I come over to take a look at her?
Sure. Ask for Bob.
Is Bob here?
I’m Bob.
Where’s the atv and wench?
There.
And wench?
Behind the bumper.
We’re not talking about the same thing.