Big Al's New Life Center - Winter Blow-out Sale!
Are you tired of your life? Looking to try something else? Big Al has NEW LISTINGS!
Welcome to Big Al’s New Life Center where we offer a variety of preowned lives at ridiculously low prices.
Are you tired of your life? Looking for something new? Something more exciting? Or maybe a little less complicated? You’ll always find a great deal at Big Al’s. We have hundreds of trade-ins in stock RIGHT NOW - many new listings, and all are in excellent, lightly-used condition. Exchange your life for the life of your dreams. These lives are not gender specific, so be bold!
#1. Frog Brigade organizer. Portland, OR. A life of meaningful marching, dancing, singing. Ridicule armed and masked invaders! Resist arrest! Make your patriotic frog voice heard! Includes inflatable suit and signs. Requirements: A strong sense of the ridiculous and a firm belief in the US constitution. Opportunities for TV appearances abound. May be deployed to LA, Chicago or New York on short notice — a chance to see the country! Option: ANTIFA membership—become a proud card-carrying member and earn fabulous pay (apparently). Now is your chance to make a difference!
#2. A.I. Specialist. Previous experience on Youtube and/or TikTok required. Specific agenda and equipment provided. A supremely creative choice for someone with questionable morals, and well-suited for anyone who has hit rock bottom. There are a lot of applicants on this “influence-millions-from-home” life, so better get on it today!
#3. Lumberjack. Morton,WA. Includes: all gear and appropriate attire (buffalo-check shirts, suspenders, Wolverines), a rustic cabin, and a large dog. Option: Life partner also available with this listing ( to be negotiated ).
#4. Pole dancer. New Orleans, LA. Always a favorite. Includes: a minimal wardrobe, health benefits, a refurbished shotgun house in the South Seventh ward, and a year’s supply of pepper spray. Option: A hunky live-in chef who will cook your étouffée any way you like it. It’s the Big Easy, cher. Let Remi do the cooking! Reserve this one now!
#5. Trained Sniper. Short term assignment. Discretion assured. By appointment only.
#6. Hippie cat-whisperer. ( unhoused ) Santa Cruz, CA. Includes: meals, showers and bed — provided free by the city. Options: a shabby acoustic guitar, vintage 1969 love beads and a freak flag. ⭐️50% off TODAY ONLY⭐️
#7. Waitperson/Server. Loxahoochee, FL . Includes: a small fixer-upper Winnebago in a highly desirable trailer park. Solid, steady employment in local fish market, newly replaced pink plastic flamingos in the front yard, a 1984 Plymouth, currently up on blocks. Conveniently located between the car wash and the Speedee Mart. Optional: Two rescued tri-pedal chihuahuas. Get this deal while it’s hot!
#8 Movie producer. Pasadena, CA. Lucrative income; exciting, creative prospects. Palatial home with pool. Great social opportunities. No impending indictments. Hurry! This listing won’t last long!
#9 Freelance fiction writer. Includes: brand new MacBook that will not need upgrading for at least six months, and a dozen bottles of 15-year-old MacCallum. Work from home in your pajamas on Substack. No guarantee of fame or financial gain, but the readers and writers you meet will amaze you! A honey of a deal!
#10 Personal Driver. Detroit, MI. Currently on contract with the Moretti brothers. Includes: Discreet East Side motel room, a Smith and Wesson (M&P9) and bullet proof vest. Option: Life insurance policy. Exclusive to Big Al’s - you won’t find this offer anywhere else.
#11 School Teacher, Retired. Beach Haven, NJ. Includes: efficiency condo, Laz-E-Boy, fuzzy slippers, tabby cat and small pension. Options: full set of Jan Karon’s Mitford books, a cabinet full of classic Hallmark VHS movies (VCR included) , and a large box of cassette tapes from the ‘80s ( George Michael, Kenny Loggins, Michael MacDonald, all your favorites.)






Laughing is the first reaction: What a way to begin November!! A belly laugh is a necessary ingredient. Love it!
What a hoot~! Torn between #7 Waitperson/Server in Loxahoochee, and the Frog Brigade.