Big Al's New Life Center - Winter Blow-out Sale!

Are you tired of your life? Looking to try something else? Big Al has NEW LISTINGS!

Welcome to Big Al’s New Life Center where we offer a variety of preowned lives at ridiculously low prices.

Are you tired of your life? Looking for something new? Something more exciting? Or maybe a little less complicated? You’ll always find a great deal at Big Al’s. We have hundreds of trade-ins in stock RIGHT NOW - many new listings, and all are in excellent, lightly-used condition. Exchange your life for the life of your dreams. These lives are not gender specific, so be bold!

#1. Frog Brigade organizer. Portland, OR. A life of meaningful marching, dancing, singing. Ridicule armed and masked invaders! Resist arrest! Make your patriotic frog voice heard! Includes inflatable suit and signs. Requirements: A strong sense of the ridiculous and a firm belief in the US constitution. Opportunities for TV appearances abound. May be deployed to LA, Chicago or New York on short notice — a chance to see the country! Option: ANTIFA membership—become a proud card-carrying member and earn fabulous pay (apparently). Now is your chance to make a difference!

#2. A.I. Specialist. Previous experience on Youtube and/or TikTok required. Specific agenda and equipment provided. A supremely creative choice for someone with questionable morals, and well-suited for anyone who has hit rock bottom. There are a lot of applicants on this “influence-millions-from-home” life, so better get on it today!

#3. Lumberjack. Morton,WA. Includes: all gear and appropriate attire (buffalo-check shirts, suspenders, Wolverines), a rustic cabin, and a large dog. Option: Life partner also available with this listing ( to be negotiated ).

#4. Pole dancer. New Orleans, LA. Always a favorite. Includes: a minimal wardrobe, health benefits, a refurbished shotgun house in the South Seventh ward, and a year’s supply of pepper spray. Option: A hunky live-in chef who will cook your étouffée any way you like it. It’s the Big Easy, cher. Let Remi do the cooking! Reserve this one now!

#5. Trained Sniper. Short term assignment. Discretion assured. By appointment only.

#6. Hippie cat-whisperer. ( unhoused ) Santa Cruz, CA. Includes: meals, showers and bed — provided free by the city. Options: a shabby acoustic guitar, vintage 1969 love beads and a freak flag. ⭐️50% off TODAY ONLY⭐️

#7. Waitperson/Server. Loxahoochee, FL . Includes: a small fixer-upper Winnebago in a highly desirable trailer park. Solid, steady employment in local fish market, newly replaced pink plastic flamingos in the front yard, a 1984 Plymouth, currently up on blocks. Conveniently located between the car wash and the Speedee Mart. Optional: Two rescued tri-pedal chihuahuas. Get this deal while it’s hot!

#8 Movie producer. Pasadena, CA. Lucrative income; exciting, creative prospects. Palatial home with pool. Great social opportunities. No impending indictments. Hurry! This listing won’t last long!

#9 Freelance fiction writer. Includes: brand new MacBook that will not need upgrading for at least six months, and a dozen bottles of 15-year-old MacCallum. Work from home in your pajamas on Substack. No guarantee of fame or financial gain, but the readers and writers you meet will amaze you! A honey of a deal!

#10 Personal Driver. Detroit, MI. Currently on contract with the Moretti brothers. Includes: Discreet East Side motel room, a Smith and Wesson (M&P9) and bullet proof vest. Option: Life insurance policy. Exclusive to Big Al’s - you won’t find this offer anywhere else.

#11 School Teacher, Retired. Beach Haven, NJ. Includes: efficiency condo, Laz-E-Boy, fuzzy slippers, tabby cat and small pension. Options: full set of Jan Karon’s Mitford books, a cabinet full of classic Hallmark VHS movies (VCR included) , and a large box of cassette tapes from the ‘80s ( George Michael, Kenny Loggins, Michael MacDonald, all your favorites.)

Hundreds more lives available for your consideration. OR tell us what you’re looking for and we’ll find it. Deals are flying out of here like lawn chairs in a hurricane! So come on down and browse.

Sharron Bassano