Dear eBay Seller

What the hell is a table sloth? A five-minute read

Dear eBay seller,

I just ran across your listing for a "Vintage Purple Printed Table Sloth". I am interested, but do you have instructions for laundering it? I am unclear on the proper care of a table sloth, so I just thought I’d check before I bid. I hope you don’t think I am rude.

I never intend to be a nuisance, but I do feel I have to ask questions when I am not sure of exactly what I am buying. My neighbor says I’m just a busy body with too much time on my hands. But, seriously? I can’t afford to just throw money away out there in cyber space. Can you?

I mean, last week I saw someone was offering an "Antique Boobin Lace Dress", which actually sounded pretty cool! I wrote to ask her if there were any buttins on the back. She sent me back only a two-word answer - “Go away.” So, not very helpful.

Then I found someone offering “3 Yards of Vintage French Poke a Dot Lace Ruffles.” I asked her if the dots on French ruffles were poked in the same way that Italian dots are? And are they anything like polka dots? Her answer was a confusing, “Ha Ha. Very funny.”

I also contacted a woman who was selling "Six Marching Placemats", which I thought might be very amusing when friends came to dinner. I asked her if they were a matched set of marching placemats. For some reason, she did not get back to me.

Here are some other listings I am thinking of asking about later today, because I do have a few questions.

“Embrodeird Tabel Runnar”

Could you tell me if you have a set of nipkans to match it?

“White Crotched Lace”

Neat! Does this crotched lace, by any chance, come in PLUS sizes?

“Vintage Bobbing Lace Doily”

Do you have a doily just like the one in the photo, but that just lies there on the table?

“Damask Tablecloth With Flour-de-Liz”

Flour-de-liz? Is that anything like buckwheat?

“Irish Hanger Chief”

Does the Hanger Chief manage political lynchings? Because, you know, I might be interested.

“Antique Photo of the Duck of York”

I’m wondering if you might have in your collection a photo of my Scottish great-uncle, the Lard of Butte?

“Mid-century Pair of Drawers”

Mid-Century drawers? So then, I would assume they are about halfway between pantaloons and a thong?

“Embroidered Tablecloth with Gold Fridge, 34” Without Fridge” 

Hell of a deal if you ask me! If you could substitute a white fridge, I’d buy that tablecloth right now!

“Victoria's Secret Party Fun Sequence Dress”

Okay! I’m in! But first, I’d like to know what does this fun sequence consist of, exactly? And I am curious, does the dress have sequins?

Oh dear! Sorry! I got carried away. I didn’t mean to take up so much of your time. Anyway I LOVE your little French poke a dot ruffles! And I hope they sell quickly for you. Come to think of it, I might buy them myself. I’m thinking I could always add them to the edge of my new purple printed table sloth.