This essay from 3/22, is dedicated to Heather Brebaugh at Kindness Magnet for the fine work she is doing to spread goodness out into this battered world. With our planet in such a state, it sometimes helps to count our blessings.
My mother was my favorite drinking buddy. I would say, “Shall we have a drink, Ma?” And even at the age of 96 she’d light up and say “You bet!”
I learned some of life’s most important lessons from my mother, only one of which was her way way to make a gin and tonic.
Number 1: She told me, “You should listen to old people’s stories, even if you’ve heard the same stories over and over. I know I’ve told my old stories before — everybody in this family knows them by heart. But, I still like it when somebody asks me to tell about the time Peter and I accidentally set the haystack on fire. And the story of stealing the cream in the barn when mom and dad weren’t home. Oh, that was good stuff, that cream.”
It was an important lesson. Older folks have a long past, and a short future. How many more adventures can we expect? How many new stories will we acquire before we are dead? The old family stories are the narratives of our short time together as a tribe, a testament to what we have seen and done and been. They are a part of what we leave behind as a legacy; proof of what we did with what we were given during our brief and transitory visit to this green Earth. Old folks have so many important things to say, if we will only take the time to listen.
Number 2: “You don’t have to correct people, even if they are absolutely wrong,” she said. “It is not up to you to make everybody perfect, my sweetheart. You don’t need to fix other people. Mind your own damn business.”
It’s hard to believe, but so many people are not even the slightest bit interested in the benefit of my wisdom! Maybe you have experienced that too? A whole lot of people are not looking to learn anything new, least of all from the likes of you and me.
People’s delusions serve them in some way; maybe that is why they hang on to them. Or it could be that they haven’t the time to seek the truth on their own, and find it easier to memorize the sound bites in the spew of social media and drivel and drone of TV? It is tough to keep my mouth shut sometimes, but I have learned that peace is almost always more precious than being right.
Number 3: Mama said, “You should compliment people more. Everyone likes to be noticed for something, no matter how little. So, when you pass somebody’s grandma pushing her cart in the supermarket, tell her, ‘What a pretty pink sweater! That color looks beautiful on you.’ She’ll feel better all the rest of day, and you will too.”
She taught me that I should not only notice people and sprinkle meaningful compliments around, but also to be gracious when receiving a compliment. Never turn a compliment down or deny it; accept it with grace and just say thank you. “It is a present,” she said. “You don’t want to hurt people’s feelings by throwing it back. ”
Number 4: “Not everybody is going to love you, Sharron, and that’s okay,” was a hard lesson to learn. “People don’t know how kind you are, what you have done, how you feel, what you believe. They might not know, but you do, and people who love you do. And that is enough for anyone. So just let it go.”
In my career as a leader of educational seminars, I was evaluated constantly. At the end of a long successful week of workshops, I would receive, say, 298 glowing evaluations from my student-teachers, and two evaluations that said my presentation wasted their time — that I hadn’t given them anything useful. And I would dwell on being rejected by two people! How foolish and egotistical I was to assume that everyone should find value in me? I knew it was ridiculous, and mama’s words helped.
Number 5: I wake up in the morning now, groaning about my sore bones. I hobble into the kitchen to make the coffee, feeling old as dirt and mean as a snake. My mama had a lesson about that, too. "Well, we have made it through another night,” she would announce, “and we are still on our feet. We still have most of our wits, and we have another whole day to find some good and do some good. Let’s make the most of it, honey, you never know which day might be our last.”
I sometimes wonder, if I knew it was my last day, how I would spend it? Maybe I would stop worrying about stuff? Maybe my choices would be very different? I wonder if I would just go ahead and eat that bowl of ice cream without feeling guilty, leave the laundry in the basket and go sit on the porch chair in the sun for a while. I might make a long over-due phone call, apologize to someone, remind someone of how much I love them and how important they have been in my life. Why don’t I just do all that right now? Why wait?
My mom was really good. She was kind to everyone. The world was a better place for her having lived in it. One evening we were sitting quietly in the living room in our rocking chairs like an old married couple, with our glasses of double-gin-single-tonic-lemon-not-lime. I was reading, she was just gazing out the window at the trees. “Ma,” I asked, “what do you think the meaning of life is?” She sat quietly a few seconds and said, “You know, I have asked myself that question for 96 years. The answer hasn’t come to me yet.”
Darn it! That was the one answer I’d really hoped for. But I loved it that she said it hadn’t come to her “yet”. She remained optimistic to the end of her days. I learned from that, too.
Katy - Double Gin Single Tonic Lemon Not Lime
Such wonderful advice from an outstanding mom, Sharron. No wonder you still miss her so very much!
Sharron, this is such a beautiful tribute to your Mom. Isn't it amazing how the little life lessons she taught seemed so simple, and yet they were all the 'stuff of life'.
Scotch and soda was my Mom's go-to. One of my favorite Momisms was, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
Thank you for sharing Kindness Magnet. That is truly a gift.
I subscribe to quite a few Substacks. Yours resonates more than any other. 💜