An older man stands at the rim of the Grand Canyon and hands his camera to his grand-daughter. He says, “Lily, honey, take a selfie of me so I can send it to Uncle Pete.”
Take a selfie of me! A little unclear on the concept, like so many seniors in this overwhelming age of technology.
I rely on technology every day. I use a fine little MACbook Air and a small Sony camera to run my online business. I watch Netflix movies and shop on Amazon Prime. I have favorite Dry Bar comedians on You Tube. But apparently I am the last person on the planet with no smart phone. It is not that I am against them or anything; I’ve got nothing to prove. I just don’t need one.
Yesterday my son says to me, with just the tiniest hint of condescension, “Ma, no one emails anymore. No one even checks their email anymore. Everyone texts— eMail has gone the way of 8-track tapes, audio cassettes, VCRs, CDs, DVDs and land-line phones. They are out. Only old people use them.”
First of all, I remind him gently, in case he’s forgotten, I am old, honey.
Second, and I hate to contradict you — I get a few hundred emails every single day about my work, or from people who want to pick my brain, or from my bank, the insurance company, my doctor. eMail is not dead. If it’s dead, why do I receive over fifty damn pieces of spam every day? If no one’s reading them, you’d think they’d stop sending them.
Third, as for texting, frankly there is nobody in my life I need to be in constant contact with – no one who is even slightly interested in where I am, who I am with, and what I am doing. And I really don’t need a photo and a text from Margie, for example, announcing she is making lo-carb vegan, gluten-free black beans, carrots and kale for breakfast. Sounds like a major waste of time to me. And sort of a disgusting alternative to waffles.
And, finally, why on earth do I need mobile devices anyway, when I hardly ever leave the house? So, okay … that’s all I need to say about that.
No, wait. Sorry. Just one more thing. I found myself in the hospital emergency ward a while back with a wonky heartbeat at eleven pm. I was there until four in the morning and when I was at last set free to go on living a little longer, I asked the clerk to call a taxi for me, as I had come in an ambulance.
She said, “Hmmm... It’s a little late for a taxi, but Uber is running all night.”
I said, “Sorry, I don’t have an Uber account.”
“Oh well,” she said, “You can just contact them and give them your credit card number. Just use the app.”
“I don’t have an app,” I answered. “I don’t even have a cell phone on which to install an app.”
She looked at me as if I were some sort of alien species. I felt a little intimidated, like I had been caught sneaking into a private club without benefit of a membership card.
I realize that it is too late now. I am never going to catch up. I am too tired and confused to catch up. Sometimes, though, I hear an encouraging little voice inside my head saying, “Maybe I will die before I have to learn how to do that.” And you know, it makes me feel hopeful! Optimistic even. I find this line of thought works in other ways as well. For example, “Hey, with any luck, I will be dead before I have to pay those back taxes.” Try it sometime. See how you feel. With a smug little smile, say things like:
“Maybe I will just use my credit card to buy those avocados. Who knows? I might die before I have to pay for them - in that case, why not buy the ripe ones.”
“Geeez... I hope I don’t live long enough to see that guy become president again.”
“If those termites will hold my fence together for just a little while longer, the next owner can pay for the replacement.”
“Do I really need an new roof guaranteed for a lifetime? When I think about it, I believe a two-year guarantee would just about cover it.”
Okay, I know it’s a little nuts – the idea of death being a better alternative. But, getting back to living with technology, I am not entirely on the outside. I use my computer to pay bills, listen to music, write letters, balance my check-book (theoretically) and manage my shop.
I don’t need a GPS because I know how to read a paper map, if I ever go anywhere. And, frankly, I can’t imagine when I would ever feel compelled to take innumerable photos of my face at all hours of the day and night and send them to everyone I know? What is this ‘selfie’ thing all about anyway? I don’t get it. Is it that some people these days are so afraid of being alone with their own thoughts, that they have to remind everyone how needy they are?
I try not to be manipulated at my age. ( I got rid of my TV two years ago for that reason.) Not everyone needs social media, not everyone needs a smart phone. I have taken a few stands, albeit small, quiet stands. My obituary will no doubt say, “She died before she had to upgrade her MAC again, and was grateful.”
With Any Luck, I'll Be Dead By Then
So glad you re-posted this. I snort-laughed my way through the whole thing. I got the same talk from one of my sons when I asked him why he hadn't responded to my email. EMAIL? C'mon dad.
Laughed out loud at "adding shredded coconut to kale makes it easier to scrape into the garbage."
I'm inspired. I think I'll take a selfie of my dog and email it to my sons.
"If you have already read it, thank you! If not, check it out. It may be about you." Too much! Yes, this hit home. I like only needing "a two-year guarantee" as well as your other gems in this piece. So glad to have been turned on to your writing. Jim Cummings did it. :)