With Any Luck, I'll Be Dead By Then
A technology death wish in 3 minutes
**Brought back to you from the 2022 Archive. Still funny the second time around. Guaranteed.
An older man stands at the rim of the Grand Canyon and hands his iPhone to his grand-daughter. “Stefanie, honey, take a selfie of me so I can send it to Uncle Pete.”
Take a selfie of me! A little unclear on the concept, like so many seniors in this overwhelming age of technology.
I am old, and I rely on technology every day. I have a Macbook Air and a Sony camera to run my online business. I watch Netflix and shop on Amazon. I am a steady customer at the Dry Bar on YouTube, and I post my writings on Substack. But, apparently, I am the last person on the planet with no smart phone. It is not that I am against them or anything — I’ve got nothing to prove. I’ve just never needed one.
The other day my son said to me, with just the tiniest hint of condescension, “Ma, no one emails anymore. No one even checks their email anymore. Everyone texts— eMail has gone the way of 8-track tapes, audio cassettes, VCRs, CDs, DVDs and land-line phones. They are out. Only old people use them.”
“Let me remind you, my boy,” I said. “I am old people.” I hate to contradict him, but I get emails every single day about my work, or from people who want to pick my brain, or from my bank, the insurance company, my doctor. eMail is not dead. If it’s dead, why do I receive a shit-ton of spam every damned day? If no one’s reading it, you’d think they’d stop sending it.
As for texting, frankly there is nobody in my life I need to be in constant contact with – no one who is even slightly interested in where I am, who I am with, and what I am doing. And I, personally, don’t want a text and photos from Margie, announcing she is making low-carb vegan, gluten-free black beans, carrots and kale for breakfast. Sounds like a major waste of time, not to mention a disgusting alternative to bacon waffles.
I don’t need a GPS because I know how to read a paper map. And, frankly, I can’t imagine when I would ever feel compelled to take photos of my face and send them to everyone I know. What is this ‘selfie’ thing anyway? I don’t get it. Do people fear they will suddenly disappear without proof of ever having existed at all? Are they so afraid of being alone with their own thoughts that they have to remind everyone how needy they are?
SO, okay ... that’s all I need to say about that.
No, wait. Sorry. Just one more thing.
I found myself in the hospital emergency ward a while back with a wonky heartbeat at eleven pm. I was there until four in the morning and when I was at last set free to go on living a little longer, I asked the clerk to call a taxi for me, as I had come in an ambulance.
She said, “Hmmm... It’s a little late for a taxi, but Uber is running all night.”
“Sorry, I don’t have an Uber account.”
“Oh well, you can just contact them and give them your credit card number. Just use the app.”
“I don’t have an app. I don’t even have a cell phone on which to install an app.”
She looked at me as if I were some sort of alien species. I felt a little intimidated, like I had been caught sneaking into a private club without a membership card.
I realize that it is too late now, I am never going to catch up. I am too tired and confused to catch up. Sometimes, though, I hear an encouraging little voice inside my head saying, “Maybe I will die before I have to get a cellphone and learn how to use it.” And you know, it makes me feel hopeful! Optimistic even.
I find this line of thought works in other ways as well. For example, “Hey, with any luck, I will be dead before I have to pay those back taxes.”
“Maybe I will just use my credit card to buy those avocados. Who knows? I might die before I have to pay for them - in that case, might as well buy the ripe ones.”
“Jeeez... I hope I don’t live long enough to see that guy become president again.”
“If those termites and spiders will hold my fence together for just a little while longer, the next owner will have to pay for the new one.”
“You want me to buy a new roof with a life-time guarantee? Okay. I believe a two-year guarantee would probably cover it.”
Okay, I know it’s a little maudlin – the idea of death being a better alternative. But though I have taken a few small, quiet stands when it comes to technology, I am not entirely on the outside. I use my computer to pay bills, listen to music, write, balance my check-book (theoretically) and manage my online store and reference website.
I’m just trying to avoid being zombiefied. I got rid of my TV six years ago for that reason, and have never subscribed to any social media for the same reason. Not everyone wants to be at the mercy of technology. My tombstone will no doubt read…
I hadn't read this one, Sharron. Pretty funny! I managed to go without a cellphone longer than most but I did get one and glad I did. I'm not married to it, though. I forget it often when I go out. It is for the most part just a tool I can use.
My wife and I didn't get smart phones until our cellphones were no longer supported by our carrier. We hate texting but have to if we are to communicate with our children and grandchildren. They don't check email or voicemail anymore. I tried social media, but withdrew. It is kind of weird to be that accessible to former classmates and colleagues.