A.I. Love You

Calibrating the algorithm

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You’re the kindest man I’ve ever met.

I am an android, Jane.

What?

I am an android, a robot.

What? You are? But ... no … how can that be? You don’t look like a robot. You don’t feel like a robot.

I am, though.

But…my father introduced us. Does he know you are an android?

He knows. He helped design me for you. He wants me to live with you and make you happy in any way I can. I am a gift.

But … you’re such a beautiful man, and you seem to understand me so well.

I am an android. I’m programmed to understand you. Your father made sure that I was tailored to exact personalized specifications.

But ...what … what does that mean exactly?

It means that I listen to you carefully, and minute by minute I learn more about how you think and what you want.

You listen to me?

Yes, of course. And as soon as I calibrate my algorhithm to you, I’ll know you as well as you know yourself. I’ll be able to please you in many ways, and meet all your specific needs.

Really? All my needs?

My purpose is make you happy..

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But, wait a minute. Wait just a minute. Before I take you home with me, I have questions. Do you mind?

Please! Go ahead.

For example, do you do your own laundry?

I’m entirely self-maintained.

Oh … great. Can you play the saxophone?

I think maybe I can.

How about dancing? Do you dance?

Tango, waltz, hip hop, polka– whatever dance you like.

Could we have meaningful discussions about books and films?

Absolutely – any book, any film.

That would be nice. Do you ever get angry?

I can display something like anger if a situation calls for it, especially for your safety or protection.

But you don’t argue?

I don’t argue, no. But I can spar with you, intelligently, on any topic you like.

What about my … physical needs?

I assure you I am fully functional, Jane, and able to carry out whatever you desire with tenderness and creativity.

Really. Wow. Wait - do you snore?

Only if you want me to.

And what if I am busy working or just want to be alone?

You can deactivate me anytime. I won’t mind. And you can reactivate me whenever you want.

How long will you stay with me?

I’ll stay until you no longer want me. I only want you to be happy.

You may be the man I’ve searched for all these years.

I am an android, Jane.

I know, but, still ...

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