The Smartest Man Ever
He makes me so damned mad. Most days I could smack him with a large trout and feel so much better for it. A TWO - MINUTE STORY. *revised*
A bit of humor from the Archive of 2023. If you’ve read it before, thank you! If you are new to 🌿LEAVES, I hope this makes you laugh.
I have a friend who knows everything. And I mean absolutely everything.
He can explain to me, for example, how to graft a new branch onto an old apple tree, how to make compost and save the world, and why it is simply not possible for dogs to think or to love.
He advises me on the best personal diet for a healthier me and a healthier planet. He tells me which toxic prescription medicines to Stop. Taking. Right. Now! Â He knows what kind of exercise I need and the benefits of daily doses of apple cider vinegar.
My friend knows whom I should vote for and why, and how to apply for building permits. He understands and is willing to explain the implications of zoning laws in detail, and the reasons it is important to preserve riparian corridors. He tells me why I should avoid using all paper products and how a shock absorber works and how often I should change the batteries in my smoke alarm. I am not kidding — there is no end to his knowledge and his willingness to share it.
In short he is absolutely insufferable. Most days I could smack him on the head with a large trout and feel so much better for it. However — and here is the paradox: I envy him. How wonderful it must be to know you have the one right answer for everything! To know, without question, what your purpose is here on earth, how to live a mindful life, and know, without a doubt,  that when you die you are just dead? Imagine the inner peace that so much certitude could bring a person!
He makes me so damned mad sometimes. Still, I would love to experience the comfort that his convictions give him, delusional or not. Because, I tell you, at this age, I wander aimlessly around the house most of the time, not knowing what I am supposed to be doing. I am not even clear on who I am now, other than the invisible woman in Unit #10.
I love living with a "rentable" brain. Dan knows all the stuff I don't. He shares easily but not insistantly. I have to take notes on everything and ask him the stuff he knows around here. At 65, he's as old as I am at 80. Someday I might have to do his work as well as my own. I don't know the different jobs the different tractors do, couldn't even start one, what kind of maintenance they need, or how to reset the furnace for the seasons. I wouldn't know who to hire to replace a shingle that comes off in a storm, (he put them all up there) or change out an a/c, or man-splain to a man not to mess with the landlord, how to change one of those new-fangled fuses.... He knows every wire and screw and electron in the place. I don't know who to order the best hay from. He knows the horses like I know the cats. I value every moment. As much as I know of what I know, he knows the rest right down to atomic level. Never loved anybody like I love him. Its "moochul" ))) so life is VEry good.
I have a lot of answers; not all of them correct. I wouldn’t mind being smacked with a trout, at least I’d know someone was listening!