Doreen has to take care of herself or she'll end up in a depressed coma or drunk on the floor. Time to stop feeding Erin. Quit buying special food so she has to buy it herself AKA get a job to pay for it. "Forget" her stuff at the grocery store. Quit doing the kid's laundry, or screw it up (on purpose) so she'll take over. SIX is old enough to do laundry. Coddlng a 23 yr old is not love. Getting her on her way is love. Gram Neeeds better care. Pudding and icecream just push her to the end. Maybe that's the plan. Nobody even thought thanks, so let it go.
Thanks, Kate. You get the picture. No, Doreen was not receiving much appreciation, that is for sure. And when caught in that situation, one can find help other than in a bottle of wine. Old folks, nearing death, often don't want to eat any more and it is their right to quit. They know when they have had enough. But they can still be enticed by soft, sweet, cream-rich food. I lived that with my mama with no plan to end her life. On the contrary.
I feel for Doreen. Erin is an "artist" and somehow entitled, Lillian has "grown old" and doesn't know it, and she goes early to the wine. Very well done, Sharron!
It is hard being in the middle and wanting only a little peace. "Tough love" is called for, but it's often the hardest solution to manifest, I think. Thank you, James Ron.
Co-dependent, yes. A very tricky union. Doreen is peddling as fast as she can between the two dependents, but may need to take a different route in the case of her daughter. Establish a few new house rules?
Thanks, Sue. When you love someone, the BEST choices are not always the EASIEST, are they? Setting rules for the daughter. Finding respite from nursing her mom. Tricky.
And Erin is so paralyzed by her failure to launch, she can't see how much she could do for her grandmother, thus relieving her mother and learning how to care for others. Really sad situation.
It's a difficult time for all young people, unless they go into the family business or military. IMHO, universities are not in the business of building functional human beings but in hiring people with unemployable skills as professors and plying rich people for grant money to employ researchers in the non-applied sciences. JEES, how's that for cynicism, Sharron. I'm climb back under my rock now.
The quote from Chloe Hope is perfect for this story. The alternating point of view is very effective here.
Doreen, as most caregivers know, does not expect gratitude from those she takes care of but perhaps she will find some personal fulfillment. She just has to knock off with the early happy hours.
Yes. There ARE options. Help can be found. It is hard to care for two generations at once, and do it alone. The alcohol, though it FEELS like help, is sure not the answer. We know that. Thanks Jim
I don't have experience with my parents since they lived half a country away, but tenant next to me did plan to leave the earth and gave his carers fits. It took him six months. There was no one to be upset about it but the carers, and me.... long time penpal. He left me his wine collection, a vase and pretty coffee cup with cats on it. We lived next door, but wrote ink letters and emails. I still refer to that apartment as Tom's no matter who lives there after. Literal sip now and then just for remembery.
Sharron wow, just wow. Such a deeply moving story - Doreen is trying so hard - it's really tough for the sandwich generation. Tears in my eyes - to quote Thomas in another comment, this post is outstanding. Hugs to you, Sharron. xxx
Thank you,again, Rebecca. I was fortunate that my mother lived so long and my son was grown. So I was not in a "sandwich." Plenty of time to give to both!
Sometimes our caring and giving isn't really the best 'kindness' we can do for someone else or for ourselves. Your portrayal of the 3 women has so much truth to it, Sharron.
Um... I'm thinking Doreen needs to put her foot down on the adult daughter situation. There's no way I'd stand for the impertinence! But kudos for her graciously taking care of her elderly mom.
You and I would not stand for the sass and self-centeredness. Neither of us have children who feel entitled. Our children know they have to work for what they want. But SO many parents now seem to foster feelings of entitlement. I have seen and heard young children in supermarket who are very obviously in control of the family, calling all the shots, as they say. And so many young adults now are deep in debt because they want stuff and instant gratification, and spend money they do not have. It is a sad situation.
You've nailed what so many people are living through every day of their lives. Poor Doreen - overwhelmed and dysfunctional. She needs some version of Kate Henry (below) to set her straight - that's a complement Kate. Well written Sharon
.. OutStanding ! .. 🦎🏴☠️
Oh! Thanks, Thomas. Very kind!
Doreen has to take care of herself or she'll end up in a depressed coma or drunk on the floor. Time to stop feeding Erin. Quit buying special food so she has to buy it herself AKA get a job to pay for it. "Forget" her stuff at the grocery store. Quit doing the kid's laundry, or screw it up (on purpose) so she'll take over. SIX is old enough to do laundry. Coddlng a 23 yr old is not love. Getting her on her way is love. Gram Neeeds better care. Pudding and icecream just push her to the end. Maybe that's the plan. Nobody even thought thanks, so let it go.
Thanks, Kate. You get the picture. No, Doreen was not receiving much appreciation, that is for sure. And when caught in that situation, one can find help other than in a bottle of wine. Old folks, nearing death, often don't want to eat any more and it is their right to quit. They know when they have had enough. But they can still be enticed by soft, sweet, cream-rich food. I lived that with my mama with no plan to end her life. On the contrary.
As I just said, maybe you could move in next door and help Doreen out. Tough love by definition isn't easy.
I feel for Doreen. Erin is an "artist" and somehow entitled, Lillian has "grown old" and doesn't know it, and she goes early to the wine. Very well done, Sharron!
It is hard being in the middle and wanting only a little peace. "Tough love" is called for, but it's often the hardest solution to manifest, I think. Thank you, James Ron.
Care complications with Chardonnay. People burn candles at both ends. Somewhere in the middle the fuse fizzles. Love is a mystery.
Indeed it is.
Wow. These women are in such a dependency tangle. I feel love there too, somehow.
Co-dependent, yes. A very tricky union. Doreen is peddling as fast as she can between the two dependents, but may need to take a different route in the case of her daughter. Establish a few new house rules?
Anger boiling! Erin needs to be pushed out the door. "Go live with what'shisname!" Good read. I totally sympathize.
Thanks, Sue. When you love someone, the BEST choices are not always the EASIEST, are they? Setting rules for the daughter. Finding respite from nursing her mom. Tricky.
And Erin is so paralyzed by her failure to launch, she can't see how much she could do for her grandmother, thus relieving her mother and learning how to care for others. Really sad situation.
Probably more common than we imagine...
It's a difficult time for all young people, unless they go into the family business or military. IMHO, universities are not in the business of building functional human beings but in hiring people with unemployable skills as professors and plying rich people for grant money to employ researchers in the non-applied sciences. JEES, how's that for cynicism, Sharron. I'm climb back under my rock now.
Yes. Pretty cynical, Sue Join the club. An often unavoidable symptom of age... sigh
Age and experiece = wisdom, too.
Sometimes the heart may be stretched too far. Doreen may have to choose herself first.
THERE you have it, Wade. Spot on.
🙌
Pushed send too soon… relate to that? Great story revealing the plight of many in today’s world. Perhaps you will awaken others in this situation.
It's not easy living between two generations who depend on you. But as you say, take care of our selves first so we can better help others?
The quote from Chloe Hope is perfect for this story. The alternating point of view is very effective here.
Doreen, as most caregivers know, does not expect gratitude from those she takes care of but perhaps she will find some personal fulfillment. She just has to knock off with the early happy hours.
Yes. There ARE options. Help can be found. It is hard to care for two generations at once, and do it alone. The alcohol, though it FEELS like help, is sure not the answer. We know that. Thanks Jim
I don't have experience with my parents since they lived half a country away, but tenant next to me did plan to leave the earth and gave his carers fits. It took him six months. There was no one to be upset about it but the carers, and me.... long time penpal. He left me his wine collection, a vase and pretty coffee cup with cats on it. We lived next door, but wrote ink letters and emails. I still refer to that apartment as Tom's no matter who lives there after. Literal sip now and then just for remembery.
Sharron wow, just wow. Such a deeply moving story - Doreen is trying so hard - it's really tough for the sandwich generation. Tears in my eyes - to quote Thomas in another comment, this post is outstanding. Hugs to you, Sharron. xxx
Thank you,again, Rebecca. I was fortunate that my mother lived so long and my son was grown. So I was not in a "sandwich." Plenty of time to give to both!
Sometimes our caring and giving isn't really the best 'kindness' we can do for someone else or for ourselves. Your portrayal of the 3 women has so much truth to it, Sharron.
Yes, Heather, I agree. Thank you.
Um... I'm thinking Doreen needs to put her foot down on the adult daughter situation. There's no way I'd stand for the impertinence! But kudos for her graciously taking care of her elderly mom.
You and I would not stand for the sass and self-centeredness. Neither of us have children who feel entitled. Our children know they have to work for what they want. But SO many parents now seem to foster feelings of entitlement. I have seen and heard young children in supermarket who are very obviously in control of the family, calling all the shots, as they say. And so many young adults now are deep in debt because they want stuff and instant gratification, and spend money they do not have. It is a sad situation.
It sounds as if Doreen is a member of the sandwich generation - taking care of a parent and a child, but she does have options.
Exactly. That is why I read your newsletter,Janice, because you find and share so many options with your readers.
You've nailed what so many people are living through every day of their lives. Poor Doreen - overwhelmed and dysfunctional. She needs some version of Kate Henry (below) to set her straight - that's a complement Kate. Well written Sharon
Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness here, Mark.
This made me want to start sympathy drinking with Doreen! Brilliant piece, Sharron, you painted such a picture...
Thanks for the inspiration, Chloe, and for the kind comment.