Out of the Frying Pan – Part 5

“I never was in jail once in my whole life, Haylene, and because of you I've been locked up twice in two days. I’m beginning to think you’re a bad influence on me.”

Jun 17, 2023

Another Florida adventure with Haylene and Marla! This is Part 5.

Click to read PART 1, 2, 3, 4 or 6

Marla kicked off her shoes, leaned against her friend, and sighed. “I never was in jail once in my whole life, Haylene, and because of you, I been locked up twice in two days. I’m beginnin’ to think you’re a bad influence on me.” After a couple of seconds, they both exploded with laughter.

Marla and Haylene sat slumped on a narrow cot, looking out through the bars of a Monroe County Jail cell, waiting for the bail bondsman to show up. Haylene leaned back against the less-than-hygienic brick wall, slowly inhaled and blew out a long breath. “What a fine mess this birthday’s turnin’ out to be. I feel like I been ridden hard and put away wet,” she said.

Marla shook her head and snorted, “Well, we won’t be forgettin’ Key West any time soon. That’s for sure.”

“That’s for damn sure,” Haylene echoed.

Marla had been laid off temporarily from the gift shop in Vero Beach, seeing as it was the end of the tourist season, and Haylene decided they should take a little road trip south for a few days to celebrate her forty-something birthday. They were driving down to Key West, racing along the Overseas Highway at a good clip, hop-scotching the Florida Keys from island to island in Haylene’s yellow ‘79 Camaro sports coupe.

The windows were down and Haylene was leaning back in the leather seat, her left elbow casually out the window, her right hand on the wheel. Her long platinum hair was whipping around like a flag in a hurricane. Marla had tuned the radio to Sunny 107 Oldies, and the two women were loudly singing along with Hootie and the Blowfish. They were flashing over those forty-two bridges like lightning.

“Well, here we are again, Marla girl! We haven’t been out on the road together in a month of Sundays. It’s about time! Feels right, don’t it? You know I had been thinkin’ of giving up birthdays altogether, but then I realized that the woman who has the most birthdays lives the longest. So what the hell! I’m goin’ for it!”

“It says here that there are chickens runnin’ all over the streets of Key West, Haylene.” Marla was reading a little booklet. “That’ll be something to see. And we can go snorkelin’ in the morning! They serve breakfast and mimosas right there on the catamaran! Wow! That sure does sound like fun.”

“You can do all the snorkelin’ you want, Marlita, my sweetheart. I will avail myself of the mimosas and watch you swim to your heart’s content.” Marla was happy as a clam at high tide to be back on the highway with her best friend.

“It says here they have a sunset cruise too, with live music, appetizers, and unlimited beer. Yeooow! Sounds like these guys know how to have fun, don’t it?”

They’d raced through Key Largo and Duck Key, then stopped for a beer and a fish dinner in Marathon, with 50 miles still to go. Just after dark, they were rolling along the nearly empty highway on cruise control flying through Big Pine and Sugarloaf. Haylene was not in the habit of looking at her speedometer. She always drove at whatever velocity was comfortable to her – which was mostly too fast. Just past the Naval Station, a patrol car came out of nowhere and moved in behind them.

“Uh-oh, Haylene. I think we are in some kind of trouble. Lights are flashing behind us! Now what?”

“I ain’t stoppin’. Not till we get to Key West.”

“Haylene! You gotta stop. They got their lights on.”

“Yeah, but who knows if those are real cops? You been readin’ the papers! There were three incidents of women being accosted on dark lonely highways in southern Florida. You heard that, didn’t you? That might be a fake police car back there. It’s only three more miles. I’ll stop when we get into Key West. Can’t be too careful.” She just tromped on the accelerator and kept on going.

Suddenly they heard a loud “Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!”, and when Haylene ignored that, they turned on the serious siren and began talking to her through the PA speaker, “Pull off the highway. Stop your vehicle. Now!”

“Jeeze Haylene. That don’t sound like fake cops to me. I think they might be the real thing.”

“Oh, don’t go gettin’ your knickers in a twist now, Marla. I can handle these bad boys. See if I can’t! Now roll up your window and lock the door.” Haylene found a spot to pull over and turned off the engine.

Two patrolmen got out of the prowler. One wrote down the license plate number on the Camaro and got on the radio. The tall one sauntered up to Haylene’s window and shone his flashlight into her eyes. “Roll down your window, ma’am – and stay in the car.”

Haylene cracked the window open a couple of inches. “May I see your identification, please, officer,” she smiled sweetly.

He ignored her. “Your license and registration, please. Didn’t you see my lights, ma’am? Didn’t you hear my siren?”

“Well I sure did, but I wasn’t takin’ any chances. How do I know if you’re a real cop or not? You might be a fake. I was just protectin’ me and my friend.”

“When you see lights and you hear a siren, you need to pull over and stop, and you need to do it immediately. That’s the law. Now roll down your window and hand me your license and registration.”

“I’m not rollin’ down this window until you show me your ID, officer! There have been car-jackings in the south by people pretendin’ to be cops. And you know it!” Marla’s eyes got as big as sewer lids listening to Haylene sass the patrolman, but she kept her mouth shut.

“I understand ma’am, and you do have a right to ask.” She scrutinized his badge. She also noticed he was all tricked out in his full uniform with all the gear and gadgets hanging from his belt, and the video camera clipped to his shoulder. She rolled down the window.

“One more time, ma’am- your license and registration. Please.” Haylene dug around in the glove box amid all the road maps, the insurance papers, the tissues, the flares, the Cheetos and the bags of Mars bars. She found her registration, but she couldn’t find her license. She dumped everything out of her purse onto her lap and went through every pocket in her wallet.

“Well, land’s sakes – my license is not here. It is usually right here in my wallet. I don’t know where it’s gone to, officer.”

“Okay. I would like both of you to slowly step out of the car, and put your hands on the hood.” They both had to take a breathalyzer test. ”We are gonna have to take you in,” he said.

“What on earth for?”

“For driving 70 miles an hour in a 55 zone, resisting arrest, driving under the influence and operating a vehicle without a license. He read her her rights and stuffed both women into the back seat of the prowl car, pushing their heads down under the door frame just like in the movies. Haylene was as mad as a wet hen. Marla, whose feathers were less ruffled, squeezed her friend’s hand, and said nothing.

They were fingerprinted, photographed, booked and placed in a cell. Marla said, “Haylene, this is the most excitin’ thing that ever happened to me. I never been in jail before, have you?”

“Yes, I have, but we’re not gonna to talk about that right now. I don’t have enough cash and they won’t take my credit card, so we have to wait for the bail bondsman. He said he’d get here as quick as he could and get us out of this flea trap. And it’s my birthday!” Haylene wailed.

Marla, alway confident that Haylene could take care of anything, was secretly enjoying this adventure. The dimly lit cell was white-painted brick with a cement floor, and smelled of disinfectant, mildew and general drunkenness. There were two cots with pillows and blankets, and something that looked like it might be a toilet. Their bail was finally settled about midnight and they were released.1

“You two ladies stay out of trouble now, you hear? This is Key West and we are on the job diligently – especially on the weekends.”

The two women checked into the Hotel Delfin. When they unpacked their bags, Haylene found her driver’s license in the pocket of her blue jeans. She had no idea how it got there. Lying in bed, they watched pink neon dolphins bobbing up and down on the motel sign right outside their window until they fell asleep.

The next morning the two jail birds went out on the breakfast cruise. Then they had a little explore around town and did some shopping. In the evening, they discovered that Key West is like a carnival, parties spill out into the streets — so many bars, restaurants, live music clubs, and poolside parties to choose from.

Rocking their brand new Florida Keys Brewery t-shirts and skinny jeans, Marla and Haylene hopped around from small dive bars to energetic dance clubs, until they found the right place with the right music. The two blondes - one of them 21 and the other 40-and-a-bit, turned more than a few heads when they walked into the Rooster Coop Zydeco Lounge. They quickly found themselves to be in high demand as dance partners.

About eleven, Haylene leaned over to Marla and said, “I don’t know, but I think we have drunk enough beer today to drown a cat, don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” Marla agreed. “I could use some sleep.” They were walking the six blocks back to the Delfin when Haylene said, “Look Marla! Over there! In that parking lot. What’s going on? Sounds like someone’s in trouble. Let’s go see.” She grabbed Marla by the hand and began to cross the street.

“Wait, Haylene, wait! Maybe it is not a good idea to butt in?”

A man and woman were arguing loudly and pushing at each other. The woman was no bigger than a minute and he shook her by the shoulders and pushed her to the ground. She jumped up as wild as a June bug on a string. He went to slap her.

Haylene yelled, “Hey! Stop that!” She grabbed Marla’s hand again. “Come on! That woman needs some help.”

“Haylene! Wait! Are you sure about this?”

“Come on!” Without another word, they went running over to get him off of her. They jumped on him, shouting at him to let go. The man was drunk and belligerent, but the three women got him down on the asphalt. They were sitting on him, wondering what to do next, when two policemen came running over and proceeded to arrest all four of them for being drunk and disorderly in public. Haylene and Marla tried to explain the situation, but no one was listening. Much to their mortification, Haylene and Marla were recognized by the night duty staff and they knew they would be back in another cell, toot sweet.

The bail bondsman finally showed up. “You two again?” he said. “Appears you two ladies might be having a little too much fun on this birthday trip.” He laughed. “You want to go ahead and make an appointment with me right now to come back again tomorrow night and get you out?”

Haylene got out her credit card and said, “I don’t think that’s gonna be necessary.”

Marla smiled. She had nothing to say. They’d already decided to head out to another town in the morning, someplace where nobody knew their criminal history.

Thanks to Bonita Mugnani and to Jim Cummings for helping me with this tale!

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