There’s nothing in the quiet darkness of the room. They see only the pale bands of faint light. They feel the bare walls, the cold floor and one another. How long have they been imprisoned?
I don't remember the first version. This is pretty terrifying, but what strikes me is that for a presumably advanced alien species they are (a) quite aggressive themselves, (b) ignorant as to how to carry out a valid scientific experiment and (c) have never come across power-mad women. As a story it did a great job of building up suspense, and the ending allows room for a follow up. So, nicely done
YEs better. SEcond batch has a good chance to go home too. but... two men, one woman could make conflict, or she could treat them like her sons. I'd like to see the captors disappointed again and again.
Great, Sharron. You have changed the relationship between Matthew and Lily to a perhaps more realistic one. I am intrigued by the new group consisting of two men and one woman. I'm sure the results will be more exciting to the aliens this time.
Big Improvement. I liked the first paragraph more than the old version. Better details of the main character too. Better details of their intimate relationship as well. Others have mentioned a better ending and I agree with them too. Nice experiment you ran here, good job.
Hi Sharron. The opening is awesome. Drops us right in!
I loved the moment of shared shyness when the two were finally able to see each other.
Here's something that I didn't notice until reading this from top to bottom again. The story starts in first person POV and then moves to third person! How did I miss that?!
Excellent work on this, Sharron. And brave of you to share your process with your readers. We can learn a lot from your experiments.
This is outstanding, Sharron! I think the second draft is better as well. When the next subjects are brought in, it gave me chills. I could visualize everything in the story in my mind!
I don't remember the first version. This is pretty terrifying, but what strikes me is that for a presumably advanced alien species they are (a) quite aggressive themselves, (b) ignorant as to how to carry out a valid scientific experiment and (c) have never come across power-mad women. As a story it did a great job of building up suspense, and the ending allows room for a follow up. So, nicely done
YEs better. SEcond batch has a good chance to go home too. but... two men, one woman could make conflict, or she could treat them like her sons. I'd like to see the captors disappointed again and again.
Great, Sharron. You have changed the relationship between Matthew and Lily to a perhaps more realistic one. I am intrigued by the new group consisting of two men and one woman. I'm sure the results will be more exciting to the aliens this time.
Well done, as usual.
Big Improvement. I liked the first paragraph more than the old version. Better details of the main character too. Better details of their intimate relationship as well. Others have mentioned a better ending and I agree with them too. Nice experiment you ran here, good job.
Hi Sharron. The opening is awesome. Drops us right in!
I loved the moment of shared shyness when the two were finally able to see each other.
Here's something that I didn't notice until reading this from top to bottom again. The story starts in first person POV and then moves to third person! How did I miss that?!
Excellent work on this, Sharron. And brave of you to share your process with your readers. We can learn a lot from your experiments.
I like the newer version as well. I got to know both Matthew and Lily better.
This is outstanding, Sharron! I think the second draft is better as well. When the next subjects are brought in, it gave me chills. I could visualize everything in the story in my mind!
I remember this one. You've really opened it up. I like both versions. Well done, as usual, Sharron!