There’s nothing in the quiet darkness of the room. They see only the pale bands of faint light. They feel the bare walls, the cold floor and one another. How long have they been imprisoned?
Wowie! Thank you, Mitchell for reading my attempt at SCI-FI. I am glad you didn't see the first version. It embarrassed me! ha ha ha. I truly appreciate your comments, my friend.
I don't remember the first version. This is pretty terrifying, but what strikes me is that for a presumably advanced alien species they are (a) quite aggressive themselves, (b) ignorant as to how to carry out a valid scientific experiment and (c) have never come across power-mad women. As a story it did a great job of building up suspense, and the ending allows room for a follow up. So, nicely done
Wow! Thanks for reading this, Terry, and for your always pithy comments. A lot of different speculation is possible here about how a group of three would play out locked up in the dark! I can imagine four scenarios myself, and I am not that crazy!
YEs better. SEcond batch has a good chance to go home too. but... two men, one woman could make conflict, or she could treat them like her sons. I'd like to see the captors disappointed again and again.
Great, Sharron. You have changed the relationship between Matthew and Lily to a perhaps more realistic one. I am intrigued by the new group consisting of two men and one woman. I'm sure the results will be more exciting to the aliens this time.
I thank you again for your suggestions,Jim. They made so much sense. I look forward to seeing the next draft of the one you are working on. It is a real winner!
Big Improvement. I liked the first paragraph more than the old version. Better details of the main character too. Better details of their intimate relationship as well. Others have mentioned a better ending and I agree with them too. Nice experiment you ran here, good job.
The suggestions shared by the other writers were wonderful! They were so kind to help me bail myself out. I learned some important lessons, not least of which is: Don't be in such a hurry to post. Let it settle. Make sure it is right!
It is odd, Scott. Every time I post something, I want to go back and edit one more time! Do you ever feel that? This time, though, I really didn't like the story and had to just take it down and begin again.
Hi Sharron. The opening is awesome. Drops us right in!
I loved the moment of shared shyness when the two were finally able to see each other.
Here's something that I didn't notice until reading this from top to bottom again. The story starts in first person POV and then moves to third person! How did I miss that?!
Excellent work on this, Sharron. And brave of you to share your process with your readers. We can learn a lot from your experiments.
Caught me. I was wondering if anyone would notice the change of POV. When it was in two parts, part one was first person, part two was third person. But both were in the present tense to keep it immediate. I didn't mind the shift. I thank you so much, again, for your expert suggestions. I learned a lot. Probably not many will take the time to re-read this improved version, but I feel better about it. BTW: I am continuing to read Dot's story, a couple of sections a night. I don't always comment, but I think the story, the dialog, the language are first class.
Thanks for giving it a second try, Janice. That was very kind of you. Basically I took out the "window" where they were being watched, I took out the description of the aliens, and I changed the relationship of the two captives to one of desperation, not romance. I added a paragraph at the end saying who the next subjects were in the dark room. I think it made it stronger. I hope, any way.
Sep 12, 2023·edited Sep 12, 2023Liked by Sharron Bassano
Yes, the new subject addition made it more intriguing, I think. . .and overall, it was a more grabbing version. It made me wonder what was coming next.
This is outstanding, Sharron! I think the second draft is better as well. When the next subjects are brought in, it gave me chills. I could visualize everything in the story in my mind!
Wowie! Thank you, Mitchell for reading my attempt at SCI-FI. I am glad you didn't see the first version. It embarrassed me! ha ha ha. I truly appreciate your comments, my friend.
I don't remember the first version. This is pretty terrifying, but what strikes me is that for a presumably advanced alien species they are (a) quite aggressive themselves, (b) ignorant as to how to carry out a valid scientific experiment and (c) have never come across power-mad women. As a story it did a great job of building up suspense, and the ending allows room for a follow up. So, nicely done
Wow! Thanks for reading this, Terry, and for your always pithy comments. A lot of different speculation is possible here about how a group of three would play out locked up in the dark! I can imagine four scenarios myself, and I am not that crazy!
It read like an episode from Star Trek (original series) or The Twilight Zone. Anyone with an imagination like that is DEFINITELY crazy 😂
Umm...thank you?
😂 all the best people are
YEs better. SEcond batch has a good chance to go home too. but... two men, one woman could make conflict, or she could treat them like her sons. I'd like to see the captors disappointed again and again.
Thank you, Kate. It does make you wonder what dynamic will present itself with two men in the group. A group of three can always be an uneasy number.
Great, Sharron. You have changed the relationship between Matthew and Lily to a perhaps more realistic one. I am intrigued by the new group consisting of two men and one woman. I'm sure the results will be more exciting to the aliens this time.
Well done, as usual.
I thank you again for your suggestions,Jim. They made so much sense. I look forward to seeing the next draft of the one you are working on. It is a real winner!
Big Improvement. I liked the first paragraph more than the old version. Better details of the main character too. Better details of their intimate relationship as well. Others have mentioned a better ending and I agree with them too. Nice experiment you ran here, good job.
The suggestions shared by the other writers were wonderful! They were so kind to help me bail myself out. I learned some important lessons, not least of which is: Don't be in such a hurry to post. Let it settle. Make sure it is right!
Sharron, I actually didn't think anything was "wrong" with the original story, this was just an improvement.
It is odd, Scott. Every time I post something, I want to go back and edit one more time! Do you ever feel that? This time, though, I really didn't like the story and had to just take it down and begin again.
Hi Sharron. The opening is awesome. Drops us right in!
I loved the moment of shared shyness when the two were finally able to see each other.
Here's something that I didn't notice until reading this from top to bottom again. The story starts in first person POV and then moves to third person! How did I miss that?!
Excellent work on this, Sharron. And brave of you to share your process with your readers. We can learn a lot from your experiments.
Caught me. I was wondering if anyone would notice the change of POV. When it was in two parts, part one was first person, part two was third person. But both were in the present tense to keep it immediate. I didn't mind the shift. I thank you so much, again, for your expert suggestions. I learned a lot. Probably not many will take the time to re-read this improved version, but I feel better about it. BTW: I am continuing to read Dot's story, a couple of sections a night. I don't always comment, but I think the story, the dialog, the language are first class.
I like the newer version as well. I got to know both Matthew and Lily better.
Thanks for giving it a second try, Janice. That was very kind of you. Basically I took out the "window" where they were being watched, I took out the description of the aliens, and I changed the relationship of the two captives to one of desperation, not romance. I added a paragraph at the end saying who the next subjects were in the dark room. I think it made it stronger. I hope, any way.
Yes, the new subject addition made it more intriguing, I think. . .and overall, it was a more grabbing version. It made me wonder what was coming next.
This is outstanding, Sharron! I think the second draft is better as well. When the next subjects are brought in, it gave me chills. I could visualize everything in the story in my mind!
Thanks, Justin. You read both versions! Wow. That is true friendship! I know you have SO MUCH to read. I am working on the 50 -word! Fun!
I remember this one. You've really opened it up. I like both versions. Well done, as usual, Sharron!