Another good story. I have had more experience with alcoholics than I would have liked. Multiple family members suffer from this terrible disease. It is tragic for all involved.
Indeed it is. Alcoholism drives families insane, it breaks them into small sharp-edged pieces and robs children of their innocence. It cannot be cured, but it can contained, if one has courage.
Hello Sharron. I'm sorry that you haven't been able to forgive your fathers for what they did and didn't do. But I do understand the challenges of forgiveness and how the inability to forgive wraps around us like mesh netting. We can see through to the freedom that is on the other side, yet we don't know how to tear a hole that's big enough to let us through. You certainly didn't deserve to be the recipient of their choices....just as you don't deserve to be the forever holder of those choices. Hugs to you...and thank you for sharing this piece....or perhaps it's peace. 💜
Oh Sharron, thank you for sharing this story - it has made me count my blessings and reflect on a whole lot of things. I do that often, you know - count my blessings, I mean. I'm so fortunate in very many ways, and have been desperately unfortunate in others. But I'm nevertheless grateful even for that latter bunch of stuff, because it's all added up to make me ME, and I'm reasonably okay with the me that's on the table.
That is exactly as I see it, Rebecca. Thank you! You and I are of like minds in so many ways. As a child we learn from poor examples as much as from good, don't you think? We learn what NOT to do, how not to conduct our lives. I was fortunate to have had a mother who adored me my whole life. It was enough. I have read your article on getting organized. Yeoow! Comments soon.
I have trouble with forgiveness. People make choices and others pay the price. On the one hand, as you say in your comment to Heather - "what they did was not all right." On the other hand, they say it frees the victim from holding onto past hurts. Even though, my parents did what they thought was right at the time, I have lived with certain demons my entire life, But, as Rebecca said "it's added up to make me Me" and I appreciate who that is. So . . .
I have to be honest. When I read the first two sentences, I had an instant lump in my throat. Alcoholism is a horrible disease, and I’m sorry to hear about its impact on you growing up. Powerfully written, Sharron, and I completely understand your perspective.
Reading your story reminded me of a Flannery O’Connor quote: “Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.”
I love that quote, Justin. It is certainly the case in my childhood family. I thank all the gods that I had a loving mother to counter balance the chaos. Thanks for the compliments. I take it very seriously.
It would be a precious gift to YourSelf, if You could forgive. Forgiveness doesn't make everything all right, not at all. It's giving YourSelf that part of your life You still hold onto and has a hold on You. Or You'd be writing a different article about your fathers. And, You are not alone. Happy to talk more as we sip our wine during Happy Hour. LV
I can feel the heartache behind your words - so deeply as it also speaks to my daughter’s inability to forgive her father. It was a betrayal that hurt in a different way than yours. Because he was there - a loving doting father. She had him wrapped - as they say - around her finger. Then at the age of seven, he had to do what no parent ever wants to do - tell their child they are leaving. And then he moved across the country to live with her stepmother & have a life with her children.
The shock, the blow to her secure world, shattered. She sees him every few years, but can never forgive him for what she had & lost.
Thank you, Lori, for sharing this personal story. I understand exactly. Children go on to have full and happy lives, learning to live with the nagging pain that remains right under the heart. They say forgiveness is the answer - not for the fathers, but for forgivers themselves. Easy to say. Hard to accomplish. I appreciate your coming back to read, my friend.
This is pure gold to me. I have worked to forgive my father’s shortcomings. It feels like some kind of betrayal to me, if I don’t. After all, I tell myself, he did the best he could. But did he? I just have to believe he did, or I would never forgive him. Thank you for sharing this. I believe there are many readers who can appreciate both your thoughts, and the poem.
Powerful, Sharron. The pain comes through without a sense the narrator asks for sympathy. Courageous, too, that the narrator states flat out that she has no forgiveness for these men who choose to not be a father. All too often we feel --or are told--we MUST forgive another's slights (or worse) against us. That it makes for a better self or a better world that we do so. And when we don't, we feel--or are made to feel--guilty. It does make me sad, though, to read that the narrator does wish she could forgive and wonder if the wish is largely (or entirely) due to societal pressures. Well done, Sharron. Thanks for posting!
Thank you for this very thoughtful comment, CJ. I agree with you entirely. Some people do think there are hard and fast rules about forgiveness, but I am not sure it is so. Just as there is no one right way to die or one right way to grieve, we all do what we must do with what skills we are given. I appreciate so much your thinking about this theme, which of course, in this case, was autobiographical.
Thank you so much Kristen, for reading my little memoir and for your kind comment. There is so much to choose from on Substack. I am glad you found my little corner!
Another good story. I have had more experience with alcoholics than I would have liked. Multiple family members suffer from this terrible disease. It is tragic for all involved.
Indeed it is. Alcoholism drives families insane, it breaks them into small sharp-edged pieces and robs children of their innocence. It cannot be cured, but it can contained, if one has courage.
Sad that so many men never learn to take responsibility.
Ah well, it can be said of all of us, to a degree, I guess. These two men were just lost souls.
Hello Sharron. I'm sorry that you haven't been able to forgive your fathers for what they did and didn't do. But I do understand the challenges of forgiveness and how the inability to forgive wraps around us like mesh netting. We can see through to the freedom that is on the other side, yet we don't know how to tear a hole that's big enough to let us through. You certainly didn't deserve to be the recipient of their choices....just as you don't deserve to be the forever holder of those choices. Hugs to you...and thank you for sharing this piece....or perhaps it's peace. 💜
Fortunately, Heather, I have had a fabulous life, no matter what kind of childhood I had! Thank you so much for your kind words.
Oh Sharron, thank you for sharing this story - it has made me count my blessings and reflect on a whole lot of things. I do that often, you know - count my blessings, I mean. I'm so fortunate in very many ways, and have been desperately unfortunate in others. But I'm nevertheless grateful even for that latter bunch of stuff, because it's all added up to make me ME, and I'm reasonably okay with the me that's on the table.
Sending love, just because. ♥️
That is exactly as I see it, Rebecca. Thank you! You and I are of like minds in so many ways. As a child we learn from poor examples as much as from good, don't you think? We learn what NOT to do, how not to conduct our lives. I was fortunate to have had a mother who adored me my whole life. It was enough. I have read your article on getting organized. Yeoow! Comments soon.
All input has an effect, that's for sure! And some of that effect is related to how we respond, and all of that determines how it might affect us.
And I think you've granted me my first-ever Substack 'Yeoow!'! Humbled!! 🤣
I have trouble with forgiveness. People make choices and others pay the price. On the one hand, as you say in your comment to Heather - "what they did was not all right." On the other hand, they say it frees the victim from holding onto past hurts. Even though, my parents did what they thought was right at the time, I have lived with certain demons my entire life, But, as Rebecca said "it's added up to make me Me" and I appreciate who that is. So . . .
Thanks, Janice,for your always thoughtful comments. Life is dark and light. It is all learning, isn't it?
I think so - and working with you have.
Exactly! Start with what you are given and dream big!
Hmmmmmm.........been there
Yes. Did it stop us? Not a bit. I don't know many women as content and successful as we are.
Yup Got that right )))
I have to be honest. When I read the first two sentences, I had an instant lump in my throat. Alcoholism is a horrible disease, and I’m sorry to hear about its impact on you growing up. Powerfully written, Sharron, and I completely understand your perspective.
Reading your story reminded me of a Flannery O’Connor quote: “Anybody who has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days.”
I love that quote, Justin. It is certainly the case in my childhood family. I thank all the gods that I had a loving mother to counter balance the chaos. Thanks for the compliments. I take it very seriously.
It would be a precious gift to YourSelf, if You could forgive. Forgiveness doesn't make everything all right, not at all. It's giving YourSelf that part of your life You still hold onto and has a hold on You. Or You'd be writing a different article about your fathers. And, You are not alone. Happy to talk more as we sip our wine during Happy Hour. LV
Good morning Sharon,
I can feel the heartache behind your words - so deeply as it also speaks to my daughter’s inability to forgive her father. It was a betrayal that hurt in a different way than yours. Because he was there - a loving doting father. She had him wrapped - as they say - around her finger. Then at the age of seven, he had to do what no parent ever wants to do - tell their child they are leaving. And then he moved across the country to live with her stepmother & have a life with her children.
The shock, the blow to her secure world, shattered. She sees him every few years, but can never forgive him for what she had & lost.
Thank you, Lori, for sharing this personal story. I understand exactly. Children go on to have full and happy lives, learning to live with the nagging pain that remains right under the heart. They say forgiveness is the answer - not for the fathers, but for forgivers themselves. Easy to say. Hard to accomplish. I appreciate your coming back to read, my friend.
This is pure gold to me. I have worked to forgive my father’s shortcomings. It feels like some kind of betrayal to me, if I don’t. After all, I tell myself, he did the best he could. But did he? I just have to believe he did, or I would never forgive him. Thank you for sharing this. I believe there are many readers who can appreciate both your thoughts, and the poem.
Oh, thank you so much, Sharon. We have a lot in common, don't we. But we both have our smarty pants on now and life is good!
Powerful, Sharron. The pain comes through without a sense the narrator asks for sympathy. Courageous, too, that the narrator states flat out that she has no forgiveness for these men who choose to not be a father. All too often we feel --or are told--we MUST forgive another's slights (or worse) against us. That it makes for a better self or a better world that we do so. And when we don't, we feel--or are made to feel--guilty. It does make me sad, though, to read that the narrator does wish she could forgive and wonder if the wish is largely (or entirely) due to societal pressures. Well done, Sharron. Thanks for posting!
Thank you for this very thoughtful comment, CJ. I agree with you entirely. Some people do think there are hard and fast rules about forgiveness, but I am not sure it is so. Just as there is no one right way to die or one right way to grieve, we all do what we must do with what skills we are given. I appreciate so much your thinking about this theme, which of course, in this case, was autobiographical.
Beautiful and clear Sharron, thank you for this!
Thank you so much Kristen, for reading my little memoir and for your kind comment. There is so much to choose from on Substack. I am glad you found my little corner!